to love &to be loved <3

31.1.05

e disgustin feeling is back.
tink today i spoke v lil.
or rather i can't b bothered to speak.
i juz feel like drifting away to a faraway place.
sick of everithing.
juz seem so fake.
sometimes tt i notice i choose to b ignorant.
coz i noe i'll soon fade away in ppl's mind.

dear i miss u.
noe training's been v tough for u.
here's a big hug for u telling u how much i care n worry for u.

&loved you so.

29.1.05

juz finished packin my room..threw away mani mani bags of stuff..finally lookin spic n span.=)

yar n i'm more or less certain wad r e things i wana get as vday gifts..planning my budget now!

i realli hate dis yr.as well as last yr.
last yr was full of ups n downs.mostly downs.
wif heart-breakin experiences.
wif tormenting insulated-loneliness.
depression-state-paranoid-me.
but peak was definitely meeting dear.. (>.^)

dis yr most imptly i hafta face e gr8test hurdle in my life..--> A levels.
i used to worri less bout exams.
eva since i come to jc i realise i was so so so scared.
coz its a big prob now even to pass.
wad more can i ask for?
i'm juz v stressed out.
thou i dun eva show it out.
i dun eva reveal my feelings to anione out there.
sometimes not even myself.

den family..frenz..him..
at times still can't help to brood over e fact tt i'm alone.
being wif ur frenz is kinda superficial at times.
oh well.but still gess i deserve a gd pat for not being so sensitive dis yr.
or rather.i choose not to even tink much.
coz i noe things ain getting better.
or even..worse.
but well..nth lasts.
doesn't matter wad i'm to others.
it matters more how much dey meant to me.
their value nv changes.
n me n my dear..still going smoothyly..going 8 mths le..
he's my onli source of happiness..
but recently a series of lil' ostacles we haf to cross b4 we realli proceed onto a stable r/s..tt's wad i tink. n i realli hope i wun lose him..
if i do..i'll nv fall in love animore..but i choose to trust tt we'll last.

ltr going to fetch him..n i'm happy..
coz i realli miss him alot..

&loved you so.

27.1.05

wonders grace got agree ms audrey to go for e wadeva talent search heats 26th feb notx..haha i'm not showing up for sure!! wad a disgrace.n i'm super duper scared of sia-suaying myself. if she goes..all e best..dunno whether got time go support her not?? coz tt day got wad *interesting* -_-" geog fieldwork thing.
n gess i'll b spending e time wif dear too.

i'm dying.math math math.tmr i'm so so so gonna get e LS feeling.coz i'm hafing a math test.

3 more days b4 i get to see my dear.how irritating tt is..i miss him lots!!

&loved you so.

26.1.05

a bz bz wk..
juz had a geog essay test.terrible.
tink cfm+chop fail.
so i shall work hard for e next essay nxt mth!
math test dis fri.n i officially declare i haf developed a v v v big phobia for math.n my mind juz blank out e moment i see ani math qns.
hai.wad can i do to save myself?
nxt wk there's hongloumeng test.e notes r freaking chim!or rather its so bloody wordy n gets me freaked out.

currently workin hard on my "shen3 qian2 da4 ji4 hua4" for vday.
quite successful i tink.as compared wif my past spendings.
dis days i hafen spend more den 10 bucks.
gd n i hope dis carries on!
got alot ideas but i still can't make up my mind wad to get for my beloved special someone *wink*
as for my special gifts.i alr haf a rough idea wad to get le.
as for myself.haha.its always been e case i'm always placed on e last on e list coz i wun she de buy things for myself but i dun feel xintong spending on others.

sun got wad newspaper n old clothes collection.wah lau.waste my lovely sunday can.my onli day wif dearie!*shrugs*so shall meet him b4 tt.after leh i dunno.i'll prob stink n i'll juz scare him off by e awful "stench" frm me!

today went for tt URA learning journey thing.ah waste time nor.but well.wasn't into e exhibits or wad.was entertaining ourselves.esp wif e skycam.super duper funny lar.

after tt walked thru chinatown to outram mrt.e food is so tempting n i still yearns for e "tang1 yuan2"!!*drools.can anione bring me there?

ah n e stampix thing is so cool!!hjm muz get one each for ourselves!!

n i enjoy hearing "jing4 bao4" things from her!!more updates pls.

n oh damn.i'm inheriting e way she toks n gesture her hands!!!n tt's BAD.lolx

i'm getting excited!!not coz of cny coz tt wud prob top e list of my most dreaded occasion..reason being..ARGH i haf to go a place i hate n see ppl i hate.how disgusting it can get n juz spoils ur mood for cny rite?
i'm excited over vday!buying pressies r so fun!!provided if i haf more $$.
i like to choose gifts for ppl =)

zhuen's worried bout his bsn playin!*chills*i see whether i haf time go down help him a while see wad i can do.

ah!i'm so tempted to get e cam!hope ems can help me wif her acc for installment payment..*prays*

army guys juz simply suc.kk i'm being abit too general.but most of dem r.
dey r juz disgusting bastards n jerks.
dey dun even noe wad's love n dey wana hao-lian as if dey r some love experts.gosh.can i juz tell u all.u noe nuts bout wad's love.
i'm glad my dear isn't one of dem.

n my dear's so swt!!he made jellys for me on mon!!booked out earli morning den he sacrifice his "nap" time to make for me =) dear:e jellys r v v v nice k..stop saying its v v awful..its e nicest delicacies on earth to me..coz its made by u!

hot legs--huihui bday coming soon!
a day i'm lookin fwd to!
coz i'm Missing her!

of coz i'm missing dearest..*hugs*

&loved you so.

23.1.05

out there..
i wonder..
is there something/someone i own it all by myself..?
maybe my parents??my dearest??
but i juz get rid of e feelin of isolation..loneliness..wheneva my darlin isn't by my side..thou i noe we'll always b linked together no matter wad..
sometimes its juz so funny..
u'r walkin beside someone..but the feeling gets more intense..i wonder why..
oh damn..e feelin i had last yr came baq again..
dis world is getting to big..
i wish i wish..
i was juz a nobody living in a small small world..
at least..
at least.....
there's nth to worri bout..to b sad bout..
wif juz my dear..parents..n maybe a few frenz...
but its juz a childish thot of mine..
coz e real world will nv b dis way..
everione will to b occupied by their own things..
perhaps..someone whom u care for alot..to them u'r juz a piece outta e 1000-pieced puzzle..
yupx tt's wad i mean..
i noe e world doesn't revolve ard me..n i shud juz banish dis thot asap..
its getting nowhr..no better..
juz drives u into deeper depression..

my onli consolation is prob my dear n parents..
n i will learn to b contented..

last day of heaven..tmr i'll b back to hell..
hope dis 5 days end fast..

&loved you so.

20.1.05

nonetheless..i got to see my dear after "so long" =)

we'r going shopping tmr! hope it'll turn out fruitful..

read bout a real incident bout a "couple"..which means..dey've alr broke up.
is like e ger wana break wif e guy..n dey sorta broke off..e guy was damn depressed..for quite sometime..
dunno wad made dem patched back again..
now i tink its e guy hu ditched e ger..
i dunno wad's e real reason..
seems tt its wana spend more time wif frenz...
hmmm..tt's juz a superficial excuse isn't it...
tink he juz haf gotten so sick of e ger.
but e ger is sucha chiobu..
till recently e girl still travels a v v long way to e guy's hse everiday
to pass him breakfast she made..
most of e times..she was in tears..or she was sent home immediately..
or waited outside his gate for a v long time..
one time even ask her back w/o even seeing her face..
i wonder..tt's how couples r like in modern centuries..
which prob resulted in e fragile r/s young couples haf now..

me n my dear r together not for v long..7mths++..still going on fine..
realli hope dis can last..
wan our r/s to mature..
to bloom n bear fruits if tt's wad u wan a ilustrative imaginary..

sch's boring as usual..but luckily there's my dearest hjm to pei me always =) n of coz..haha..pam! hu always torment me!! *bleah.

ystd finally had a heart to heart tok wif hjm!!..after so long sia...memories of us..ample tea hse!!! but its no longer there le...quite sad...spend alot of times there..wif kw during our sec 4 times!! n of coz hjm lar..

ah i realli hate jc....its depriving me of earning $!!
juz got an offer..e "lobang" is in march i tink..tt 1 wk hols got dunno wad roadshow..those stand there pai pose..pull clients sell products type i gess..lasting for bout 3 days..10 bucks/hr! tt's like a damn gd offer..but shucks..parents sure dun allow de..den i can onli let my 200 bucks fly away juz liddat..haha.*faints*

yes i'm still excited over vday gift buying.haha..brainstorming everiday !!

next wk got math lecture test..*math cancer* DIE.........and geog essay writing..
i'm so dead.

i'm so looking fwd to tmr..n conclusion..dear's smile can realli kill =)

&loved you so.

15.1.05

my beloved fell sick..fever..sorethroat..so he came back home to rest on wed..made me so worried lar!after lesson quickly rush to his house n buy lunch for him eat..n he's realli burning hot!!supposedly go back fri..but he extended his mc so yar..juz bk in dis evening..

we din go aniwhr realli..coz he's sick..so hang ard tamp dis few days..felt so like returning to e past..whr he will always come wait for me after my lessons to pei me go eat n go home..so i realli treasured dis 4 days wif him..even thou it din last tt long..i'm contented =)

ystd he drove to sch to fetch me!! went to buy his army stuff den we went east pt..juz walked ard..shared taco balls..bot "tau huey zui n tau huey" haha..he cudn't stayed out long coz he din tell his father he was wif his gf! but prob his dad cud gess so..

currently he likes twister fries..to me..dey taste so like kfc's potato wedges..

met today..went bugis..i treated him at *dim sum*..e conveyor belt was damn retarded...n we din get a place wif gd feng shui since we weren't seated at e start of belt..like mani mani rounds we cudn't get e siew mai we wanted..food was considerably gd..but not fantastic....
n i saw quite a few nice clothes..but today was in a rush..not time for shopping..

met emily..den dear was like trying to act shy like..juz kept reading my Cleo instead of trying to tok to her..haha..chatted quite abit..n seems tt alr 2 ppl kena freaked out by her over-frenliness.lolx..

send dear back home in a cab..since he needa bk in quite earli..n it was fun playing wif e cam in his fone in e cab n in coffee bean..mwahahax..

while waiting for bus to tm..we were like waving to each other..me in bus stop n he standing at his room's window..=) n he's so like my dear hjm..*faints..keep dropping things into e toilet bowl....omg.

poor dearie..since he missed field camp..he's so afraid to undergo a recourse..which is like so so so gonna eat into his off-days...i dowan too!! coz means less time to see him...

oh..n stupid june is so lame...we'r like conversing in frenster thru testimonials...n everithing sounded so crappy n lame...

i noe its still earli....but i alr haf a rough idea in mind wad i'm gonna get for my close frenz for vday ^-^

&loved you so.

10.1.05

/seed of chucky\is not tt scary..but i juz tink its so gross lar..wth..n e bloody scenes look kinda fake..

swo concert's over..but i missed it..hope it did turn out well..abit regret nv go..but well..pei-ing mummy stayin home at nite sounds beta den leavin her alone at home..

dear finally got his new fone..n he's damn happy..so tt makes my day too..haha..i din pay for e fone thou i did plan to..as a xmas present or vday gift for him..but well..since he's kinda broke in e hols i've spend all e $ i've saved up..yar so..e fone is bot wif his own income frm ns n selling his share of ps2..bot 6260 instead of 7610..which i tink its beta..juz tt flip phones r a bit of fuss..but well so long as its gd..y not?but its bit too heavy uh?like inconvenient for him liddat..

so i contributed by getting a grey hp pouch and a pair of hp chain for each of us =) i tink its v nice..

aniway b4 meeting him smthing cropped up..like wth i'm like so not fated wif his new fone lar..zillion calls frm me doesn't get thru..msges r stuck in mid air for mani mani hrs..i din expect its e fone's fault since its a new fone...den got abit pissed off...but thx adrian for his help man..if not i wud haf juz stomp home w/o meeting dear..

my beloved cf wans to haf breakfast today..n so we met at 645..haha..how earli..n she's punctual!!*wad a miracle*is like as i was bout to call n ask whr's she i saw her..cudn't recognise her frm e crowd since she juz cut her hair..went 7-11 to buy her food n we realise how microwave-idiot we'r..den we went to e hawker centre there n sat down..n she started raising her leg n scratching it on e chair..*faints*den the lau-cheekoh-pek beside us started changing seats to behind her!!!freak man...den his eyes was like glued onto kw's legs.hahaah...so yewwww.

n how nice!!! LeP S'paper is changed to fri...which means i'm hafing a mini monday!! coz my day will end by 12..=) -w/o hafing to rot for 5 periods to attend e lep s paper..

countdown:10 days to seeing my dearest..missing him so much..

since dis wkend i can't meet him *awww*...i shall stay home to pack my room...den pei mummy go out >.^

&loved you so.

6.1.05

gosh..fancy falling sick juz a day b4 sch reopens..ben lai sat ok liaoo..go bugis gai gai wif mummy..den sunday sianx...feeling uncomfty...vomit 3/4 times...fever...juz plopped* on my sofa e entire day..mon-tues was still so "energy-less"..much less haf ani appetite..wed was a lil' better..but still quite weak..finally i'm recovering..pls pls pls *prays..*can i dun fall sick again?? i wana eat e cny goodies..-_- n alr wasted so much $ on seeing e doctors...*sigh*

went to take math notes frm hjm..saw e stupid new timetable n it sux totalli...i can haf 4 periods of break in btw?!?! arrgh..y jc system liddat de..how i miss sec sch..or hafin our own home room/class..

n my darling so sweet de..*gleex*he bot another Me.To.U bear for me again!! n coz of dis bear he've gone thru alot alot alot trouble nor..juz before booking in i guess...*touched*coz he's always in army..den recently i kip falling sick..so he bot dis bear hoping it will take care of me in his place..how swt~*~*~*~*~.... (^-^)

i miss u dear..noe u've suffered so much in ns..tough training..esp ur outfield trainings..go into those forest..getting all wet,dirty..getting injured..cuts..n lotsa other danger..u even fall down from quite a high place rite..hurt ur knee..den u got alot cuts on ur hand..haix...tink of all dis..wo hao xin tong...n useless me can onli sit here feel heartbroken..but cudn't do anithing to help u..=(

cny's coming..yet i hafen clean n clear my room..den hafen buy new yr clothes..oso duno got time not..hmmrph..but i'm so not looking fwd to cny..esp e 1st day. -no comments- day 2 my mother's side aunties n uncles will b coming over..shud b ok..aniway hope to haf time to spend new yr wif dear..*

&loved you so.